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Something is wrong with me. She already made her choice and she didn’t choose me. And it was final and clear agreement between us, that I should abandon any romantic thoughts toward her, if I want to be her friend. But somehow I forgot it… First I just played, to catch her, but it seems that I were the one who got caught again. I keep hoping, keep flirting, and chasing her. I create expectations that she can’t fulfill. I got used to talk with her, and I enjoy it sometimes very much, and I miss her if she isn’t there. But she doesn’t choose me, she doesn’t want me, and nothing changed. She won’t even talk to me, unless I’ll start talk to her. In last couple days I feel weak. I became mad and jealous, when she added a new male friend to her friend list. But I understand that it just stupid. She has a boyfriend. And I just nobody.

I keep ignoring any negative things related to her. And I want her, but I don’t know her in real life, so this feeling probably not real. I’m probably chasing my own dream of her, and not her.

She told me earlier today that she will talk to me later. She was online now, for some time, she waited for me to send her a message, I pretty sure in this. I saw her, but I sent nothing, I was writing here and thinking. I can still talk with her, she connected through a smart-phone. But I feel bad now. And I am writing and thinking. I keep hoping she will change her mind, and it’s probably too stupid, but I keep being delusional.

I want the best for her. But she doesn’t need me. I must understand this…

I need to end it, silently, just stop doing what I do. It’s already happened. I should remember it. Keep moving. Change what I can, by myself, not wait for some freaky miracle.

I wrote a post today about “Marina and the Diamonds”, so I was listening to a lot of her songs. She has a song: “Starring Role”, with the lyrics:

It almost feels like a joke to play out the part
When you are not the starring role in someone else’s heart
You know I’d rather walk alone, than play a supporting role
If I can’t get the starring role.

It’s what happens here. I rather feel bad, and stop being delusional. Search for real things and not fake dreams.

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Comments on: "Something is wrong with me" (3)

  1. when you stop chasing her and stop being pathetic, maybe you’ll get more attention.

  2. Thanks for great advice, already done.
    Although the “pathetic” part is kinda insulting… There are no right or wrong in feelings, they just are.

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