Thursday

I feel like a piece of shit since Thursday. It hurts. I need someone to tell me it will be ok. I need someone to understand the nothingness that happens in my life. I need compassion and a few kind words. I need soft human touch. I need to feel love, to feel that I’m loved and wanted, that I’m accepted and needed. But all I have are these 4 walls. All I do now is to set on fire anything I can, till the last bridge I could find. It seems that I live in the wrong place in the wrong time. And there were never right place or right time for me, and there probably never would be. I can’t understand what’s wrong with everything. Why it’s so hard? Why it’s never true? What’s wrong with me? I can’t see anything in the horizon. I know that nothing will ever change. I can’t change. I won’t change.

rocky shore

hard surface, rocky shore

lonely island in the ocean

you are

somehow i know that you are vulnerable child

deep inside

you could be soft and gentle

i’m delusional

those tears mean nothing to you

but they are whole world for me

lake

cold lake water

tree under which we sat

your lies

desperation

i’m sweet boy

take me, or leave

desperation

learn you

clouded mind

negative thoughts

low self-esteem

a few words

different man

no doubts

you there

will try

trust you

share me

learn you

Owner

Like a lonely dog

Without a place to call home

Without an owner to love unconditionally

When I meet you

I hope you to be my loving owner

With my big adorable eyes fixed on yours

I wish you too love me like no one ever before

Please take me home

Minefield

I feel frustrated when we talk. We so restrained and precise, so cold and distant. We so careful, like two sappers in the middle of minefield. We stuck in the traps of our past, we can’t see each other. We can’t connect, not this way, probably never. I’m sad that I missed this opportunity to discover you.

2013

Happy Happy Joy Joy!

FUCK IT ALL!

2013 won’t be in any way better than 2012.

Probably worse.

Tomorrow would be as bad as yesterday.

Change of meaningless number won’t change me, or you.

2013 – Would be an year of huge financial crisis, natural disaster, tsunami or something, million of deaths, wars, suffering, pain, pain, pain, pain…

Worthless

This horrifying moment when I realized that I’m a terrible person. How can I behave like a total prick with probably the only person who really loves me, unconditionally, just because I exist?! I can’t understand it. What the fuck wrong with me?! Feel like shit. And I should feel like that, because I behave like shit. I feel frustrated because of myself. Maybe I deserve only the worst. That’s probably the reason why my life is just a worthless hole in gray reality. I have no idea how not to be such a moron. Fuck, I really don’t understand what’s going on with me…

Disappointed

So it’s my second day in the big city. Not too excited. Feel lonely. There are a few things that bothering me.

After last “adventure”, I realized that I pretty much emptied my life of content. It seems that I don’t have hobbies, I don’t have friends, I don’t do much, I don’t have interests, I don’t care. It all make me look hollow, empty and boring person. It’s how I feel. Don’t really know what to do with my life to make it more full.

I haven’t lived alone for 2 years. Or maybe ever… In the army for 3 years I was part of something bigger, always under supervision of someone. When I studied in university, for 3 and half years, I always lived with roommates. So probably now it’s the first time in my life that I truly by myself in this world. So I feel kinda lonely.

In the moment of being very stupid, I entered area E and read there a line. Someone feeling lonely or something like that… It was stupid of me. It hurts a little each time I enter this area. I’m not welcomed there. I shouldn’t be insulted, or feel something at all about this subject.

The bottom line is that I’m disappointed…